Monday, November 15, 2010

(Almost) 8 Tips to Avoid Computer Armageddon

I'm taking a blogging day off in order to celebrate the release of Bruce Springsteen's Promise album today. My friend Maria Zannini has agreed to fill in as guest blogger while I'm off communing with the Boss.

Here's Maria:

(Almost) 8 Tips to Avoid Computer Armageddon

Uploading new software. Please stand by.

Although my latest novel, True Believers, is pure romance with a side of world domination, it also relies on two AIs (artificial intelligences) called Bubba and FAIA. These computers are so smart they become sentient.

Think twice before downloading Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance' as a ringtone. You might get more than you expected. Like maybe Cyber Gaga(Italics). (Though you might be hard-pressed to tell them apart.)

It's Computer Armageddon, folks! Coming to a network near you.

Did you know that major retailers know how much product to reorder the moment you leave the store? The sister of a friend of mine helped developed that technology.

Today, computer chips are embedded in everything from clothing, cell phones — even your pets. We are no longer in charge.

Much like the zombie apocalypse, Computer Armageddon is no laughing matter. If you see code monkeys from your local Best Buy store packing up and heading for the hills, that's your clue that Armageddon has already begun.

Here are some tips to help you out.

  1. Your cell phone can track you anywhere on the planet. If you plan on doing any subversive activity be sure to trade phones with your great Aunt Edna first. So what if the Feds catch up with her? She might like prison.

  2. Your dog is a snitch if he's been microchipped. This leaves you with one of two choices. Trade Sparky in for a hamster, or zap him with a Taser in the hope the shock might destroy the chip. —of course, Sparky might not like you after that. (Down, boy.)

  3. If your computer monitor suddenly comes on and you see a naked Gerard Butler inviting you to join him on a white fur rug, avert your eyes immediately. It's a trap!

    ….you didn't listen, did you? :sigh: Moving on.

  4. Trade your body for Code Monkey favors. I know. Some of those boys have pimples. But it's Armageddon, woman! Do it for humanity.

  5. If you manage to disable your computer before it alerts the authorities, make sure your kids do not witness your sabotage. If your kid ever realizes you were responsible for interrupting World Of Warcraft, he will rat you out in a heartbeat. Never mind you were in labor for 72 hours bringing him into this world. You're history, Mom.

  6. Learn to make the perfect margarita. It won't slow down Armageddon. But after a few drinks, you won't really care.

  7. Computers are privy to your finances, your medical records and every email or Facebook photo you've ever uploaded. Just remember you still have opposable thumbs. If push comes to shove, pull the plug.

  8. And finally Tip #8. If your computer suspects—

Download complete. User Terminated.

Have a nice day!


Maria Zannini's latest release is a science fiction romance called TRUE BELIEVERS. Mix one cynical immortal and one true believer and throw them into the biggest alien-hunt the world has never known. Rachel Cruz is a Nephilim masquerading as an archeologist and she's stuck with an alien who believes she can lead him to his ancestral gods. Black Ops wants to find these gods too. They want them dead.

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Dru said...

when all else fails, take a hammer to it.

I especially like #6. The cop asks, "why did you drink?" "It was the computer, it dared me."

Maria Zannini said...

Dru: Sometimes I feel like taking a hammer to mine. :)

I swear my computers know I'm the enemy.

Lia Bal said...

I like numbers 3 and 6. However, if Gerard Butler came to me naked, I would join him in a heartbeat. And lucky for me, I make the best margaritas so even if he wasn’t naked, he would be after a couple of drinks.

Great post (like always), Maria.

Maria Zannini said...

Lia, you saucy girl. LOL.

However, if your margaritas are as good as you say, I'm probably coming over too.

Joanna St. James said...

oh Maria you crack me up, I cannot get shopper reports to stop popping up on my browser I hate it.

Maria Zannini said...

Joanna: I'm telling ya, they're out to get us. Thanks for visiting today.

Ellie said...

You really do make me laugh. I loved number four!

Maria Zannini said...

Ellie! Has Little Wanda released you for the day?

Glad you could make it. I must have been channeling you when I wrote this.

Linda Leszczuk said...

Where do I get the naked Gerard Butler? I don't care if it's a trap.

And tell me the truth - you zapped Iko, didn't you.

Maria Zannini said...


They always fall for Butler.

Ref: Iko
I did not zap him--much. Call it research. :)

Meghan Schuessler said...

Cylons and Terminators don't seem so farfetched once you realize what computers can already do! It's kinda scary!

Maria Zannini said...

Meghan: Have you seen the news about the Japanese android?

I don't have the original link, but here's a similar one on Youtube.

Liane Spicer said...

Great post, Maria! Oh how we love the instruments of our doom!

Maria Zannini said...

Ref: Instruments of Doom.

I might have to steal that. LOL. Love it. Thanks for coming over.